blah.

well, here goes a venting blog:

i really don't even know what to say in this blog. i do know that i am definitely going to guard my heart more from here on out. i really don't understand what happened this time around to get myself screwed. am i too trusting? yes. am i dumb? yes. i have learned that i give way too much of myself to people. i honestly hate this though, because it is just the way i am. i feel like if i don't give myself completely, then what is the point? and i know what i deserve now. i know that even though i may be completely compatible with another person, and they may be exactly what i need, i just might not be what they want. this is one of the hardest lessons i have ever had to learn to swallow. i still don't even understand why i could feel God pushing me in this direction, but He did and i just have to figure out why. why God let me have a taste of utter happiness, only for it to come crashing down and burn. so many "why's" i just want asked. why did this happen. why did others put themselves in situations that would help nobody and hurt everybody? why does this keep happening to me? why can one day somebody feel so much about a person, then the next day not care at all? why were there "fake" feelings? yes, i will go with fake. why do i take a leap of faith everytime just to be thrown away? why don't i understand what is going on? why do i care? why shouldn't i just let go? why is my heart not already completely hardened to all males in general now?--well i think i just had the final straw and now it will be. my only wish in this whole thing is that i knew what the heck was really going on?! i guess no one really knows. oh well, i'm no stranger to heartbreak. 3 times in 6 months... i mean come on, i'm becoming a pro!

all my fear is swept away in the light of Your embrace.

"On that day when I see

All that You have for me

When I see You face to face

There surrounded by Your grace

All my fear is swept away

In the light of your embrace

When Your love is all I need

And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold

In Your presence healed and whole

Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding You hold me now,

You hold me now

In this life I will stand

Through my joy and my pain

Knowing there's a greater day

There's a hope that never fails

When Your name is lifted high

And forever praises rise

For the glory of Your Name

I'm believing for the day

When the wars and violence cease

All creation lives in peace

Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness, no sick or lame

No hiding You hold me now,

You hold me now

For eternity

All my heart will give

All the glory to Your name"

--Hillsong United

I reflect over this song right now. i laid out with lexxie at the pool again & had an amazing convo with her about our similar "issues" lately. it was very nice. now i'm mulling over this song after my long shower sittin here in my amazing 80s shorts (la has the same pair) drinking my dr. pepper.

it's over all a good day. i can't really complain. the weather finally listen to my facebook pleas/requests & it's warm & sunny. i hope that lasts.

back to this song. i am fully understanding the line that says "all my fear is swept away, in the light of your embrace." i am feeling it in a different sense, but i think that the fear can be any type of fear. if not, we are just going to pretend that it is because that's how i feel. my fear is swept away because i feel His embrace. the past few days i have had to let God do all the talking. i still can't talk about my situation, but if you know then i guess you are important enough to know. & if you don't know, it's not that you aren't important, i just haven't gotten a chance to let you know. i have had to trust God the past few days more than ever before. i have given everything to Him.

i know what everyone's opinions are & some are good & some are bad. i listen to it all and soak it all in. i trust my friends and respect their opinions so much. i love them so much. i know that i can tell my friends anything without judgement & i am hoping that that lasts. i am so incredibly blessed to have friends that care so much about me. i have no idea what i would do without them, especially lauren. lauren is my best friend. i know she cares about me just as much as i care about her. i would fight for her. i would die for her. i don't like trash talk in general, but you better not be trashing my best friend.

i am protective of her & i don't want her to get hurt ever. and i know she feels the same way about me. but i know that it's life, and people get hurt. you can't walk around in life being over protective of yourself and cautious. everyone gets hurt from time to time. it's inevitable. this is life and you only get one, so you have to take risks and make the best of life. push the envelope. take chances. think outside the box. do things you never thought you could do. follow your heart. follow your mind. listen to your gut. and listen to God. know that not everyone acts, thinks, and feels the same. know that there are good people in the world. trust until you're trust is legitimately broken. you have to take chances and risks in life, or you just aren't living. you can't sit in a bubble of paranoia and cautious. yes, there are many many chances where you have to make sure you are reasoning situations realistically & properly, but you have to have faith and listen to God. and sometimes even follow your heart & your gut.

i don't know what will happen in my life because God keeps proving to me that i am definitely not in control. i am in a completely different playing field than i was last year & than i thought i would be in. my life is so ridiculously different than i thought and it's only been about 6 months since my life drastically changed. God picked me up and shook me & He is still not done showing me all He wants to show me. granted, He will probably never be done showing me things in my life...

'No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding You hold me now,

You hold me now'

this is just what i am looking forward to. no weeping. no hurt, pain, suffering, darkness, sick, lame, or hiding. heaven will be amazing & when i am completely in God's presence (not in this world), it will be amazing. i have experienced most of these things the past few days: weeping, hurt, pain, and suffering. but once i gave it to God, he embraced me, swept my fears away, and gave me peace. i am completely at peace with the "situation" and i know that whatever happens, it's God's will and He will make sure that i am happy. only time will tell. i hope i can say exactly what my "situation" is so i could give my probably zero readers a better understanding of all of this.

well. that's enough rambling for today. i'm taking my own advice and taking a risk tonight... getting my nose pierced (= if anywhere is opened on good friday.. oh yeah! happy good friday!

"everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades,

never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame."