blah.

well, here goes a venting blog:

i really don't even know what to say in this blog. i do know that i am definitely going to guard my heart more from here on out. i really don't understand what happened this time around to get myself screwed. am i too trusting? yes. am i dumb? yes. i have learned that i give way too much of myself to people. i honestly hate this though, because it is just the way i am. i feel like if i don't give myself completely, then what is the point? and i know what i deserve now. i know that even though i may be completely compatible with another person, and they may be exactly what i need, i just might not be what they want. this is one of the hardest lessons i have ever had to learn to swallow. i still don't even understand why i could feel God pushing me in this direction, but He did and i just have to figure out why. why God let me have a taste of utter happiness, only for it to come crashing down and burn. so many "why's" i just want asked. why did this happen. why did others put themselves in situations that would help nobody and hurt everybody? why does this keep happening to me? why can one day somebody feel so much about a person, then the next day not care at all? why were there "fake" feelings? yes, i will go with fake. why do i take a leap of faith everytime just to be thrown away? why don't i understand what is going on? why do i care? why shouldn't i just let go? why is my heart not already completely hardened to all males in general now?--well i think i just had the final straw and now it will be. my only wish in this whole thing is that i knew what the heck was really going on?! i guess no one really knows. oh well, i'm no stranger to heartbreak. 3 times in 6 months... i mean come on, i'm becoming a pro!

all my fear is swept away in the light of Your embrace.

"On that day when I see

All that You have for me

When I see You face to face

There surrounded by Your grace

All my fear is swept away

In the light of your embrace

When Your love is all I need

And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold

In Your presence healed and whole

Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding You hold me now,

You hold me now

In this life I will stand

Through my joy and my pain

Knowing there's a greater day

There's a hope that never fails

When Your name is lifted high

And forever praises rise

For the glory of Your Name

I'm believing for the day

When the wars and violence cease

All creation lives in peace

Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone

No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness, no sick or lame

No hiding You hold me now,

You hold me now

For eternity

All my heart will give

All the glory to Your name"

--Hillsong United

I reflect over this song right now. i laid out with lexxie at the pool again & had an amazing convo with her about our similar "issues" lately. it was very nice. now i'm mulling over this song after my long shower sittin here in my amazing 80s shorts (la has the same pair) drinking my dr. pepper.

it's over all a good day. i can't really complain. the weather finally listen to my facebook pleas/requests & it's warm & sunny. i hope that lasts.

back to this song. i am fully understanding the line that says "all my fear is swept away, in the light of your embrace." i am feeling it in a different sense, but i think that the fear can be any type of fear. if not, we are just going to pretend that it is because that's how i feel. my fear is swept away because i feel His embrace. the past few days i have had to let God do all the talking. i still can't talk about my situation, but if you know then i guess you are important enough to know. & if you don't know, it's not that you aren't important, i just haven't gotten a chance to let you know. i have had to trust God the past few days more than ever before. i have given everything to Him.

i know what everyone's opinions are & some are good & some are bad. i listen to it all and soak it all in. i trust my friends and respect their opinions so much. i love them so much. i know that i can tell my friends anything without judgement & i am hoping that that lasts. i am so incredibly blessed to have friends that care so much about me. i have no idea what i would do without them, especially lauren. lauren is my best friend. i know she cares about me just as much as i care about her. i would fight for her. i would die for her. i don't like trash talk in general, but you better not be trashing my best friend.

i am protective of her & i don't want her to get hurt ever. and i know she feels the same way about me. but i know that it's life, and people get hurt. you can't walk around in life being over protective of yourself and cautious. everyone gets hurt from time to time. it's inevitable. this is life and you only get one, so you have to take risks and make the best of life. push the envelope. take chances. think outside the box. do things you never thought you could do. follow your heart. follow your mind. listen to your gut. and listen to God. know that not everyone acts, thinks, and feels the same. know that there are good people in the world. trust until you're trust is legitimately broken. you have to take chances and risks in life, or you just aren't living. you can't sit in a bubble of paranoia and cautious. yes, there are many many chances where you have to make sure you are reasoning situations realistically & properly, but you have to have faith and listen to God. and sometimes even follow your heart & your gut.

i don't know what will happen in my life because God keeps proving to me that i am definitely not in control. i am in a completely different playing field than i was last year & than i thought i would be in. my life is so ridiculously different than i thought and it's only been about 6 months since my life drastically changed. God picked me up and shook me & He is still not done showing me all He wants to show me. granted, He will probably never be done showing me things in my life...

'No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering You hold me now

You hold me now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding You hold me now,

You hold me now'

this is just what i am looking forward to. no weeping. no hurt, pain, suffering, darkness, sick, lame, or hiding. heaven will be amazing & when i am completely in God's presence (not in this world), it will be amazing. i have experienced most of these things the past few days: weeping, hurt, pain, and suffering. but once i gave it to God, he embraced me, swept my fears away, and gave me peace. i am completely at peace with the "situation" and i know that whatever happens, it's God's will and He will make sure that i am happy. only time will tell. i hope i can say exactly what my "situation" is so i could give my probably zero readers a better understanding of all of this.

well. that's enough rambling for today. i'm taking my own advice and taking a risk tonight... getting my nose pierced (= if anywhere is opened on good friday.. oh yeah! happy good friday!

"everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades,

never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame."

wabammed.

well ladies & gentlemen, God throws me for another loop yet again.

i had an amazing day. i went to class, had lunch with lexxie, cleaned my apt then sat by the pool and tanned for 2 hours with lexxie. it was awesome.

however, as soon as i pulled into the sonic parking lot, i get a call from my dad saying my uncle bert had had a heart attack. needless to day i was on edge for about half of my shift. no worries, they put a stent in & he's going to be just fine. praise the Lord for that one.

but then God "wabammed" me. not like i can really discuss this on here (sorry yall) because i haven't been able to say anything about it so far on here. however, i can say that all i can to is leave it to God. oh my goodness i would be nothing without Him. i honestly probably would have gone crazy without Him. i don't understand how people who don't have God do it. how do they make it through the hard times? i know that God has a plan for me & all i can do in this certain situation is just give it to him. He has given me so much peace over it & i am honestly pretty optimistic, no matter what happens. whatever ends up happening, i know that i will be okay. sure, i will probably be really tore up & sad for a while, and i've already lost several tears over this whole matter, but i know that if i can make it through what i made it through in october--i'll be okay.

Romans 8:28: "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to His purpose."

Jeremiah 29:11: "'for i know the plans i have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. then you will call upon me and i will listen to you. you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. i will be found by you,' declares the Lord, 'and will bring you back from captivity.'"

two is better than one.

words cannot describe how happy i am! & if only i could write on here what i am feeling... but not yet (= i will be able to soon though!

ok enough gushing. this weekend was pretty awesome! the twilight party rock! bsarge had to leave early, but we still had a lot of fun!

zach and brandy hit it off pretty well to say the least! what awesome match makers me & mr andy are (=

saturday i worked from 8-4 & made bank! it was very nice! i skated my butt off though!

then saturday night i went to my brothers house in hendersonville & had dinner with him, suz & the kiddos. it was a lot of fun ;)

sunday was the easter egg hunt with my family @ aunt jane's house in franklin! it was good seeing my family! the last time we got together i was in gulf shores!

sunday night i worked 5-11... it was a normal boring sunday night haha.

today has been awesome! i went to my health class then had lunch at golden eagle with mo & cole! it was om nomtastical! then i went back to the apt, painted my nails (dropped the nail polish on the floor..oops!), cleaned my room & started some laundry! a productive day for sure (=

the last song comes out on wednesday! me & lauren have to figure out when to see it! we've been waiting for this movie for months! the book was amazing! tomorrow i get my camino/sex & the city bff date with lauren! i am so so so excited! i miss her like crazy! it's weird not seeing her almost every day! i have been pleasantly distracted though so that definitely helps (=

"i remember what you wore on the first day
you came into my life, and i thought
hey, you know, this could be something.
cause everything you do and words you say,
you know that it all takes my breath away,
and now i'm left with nothing.

so maybe it's true
that i can't live without you,
and maybe two is better than one.
but there's so much time
to figure out the rest of my life,
and you've already got me coming undone
and i'm thinking two is better than one."

twilight party!

last night was awesome! i worked till 7 then took a nap... so eventful, right?

then i went to katie's & watched the blindside! it was such a good movie!!

today i decided that i needed to invest in a new alarm clock....

i woke up at 10:48... my class started at 10:20. awesome. second time this week. oh well (=

i went to busters with some of the crew: katie, sarah, sullbutt, and joe! it was a lot of fun and i'm stuffed!

then bsarge came over and i packed up and we are headed to get pedis with brandy! i'm so excited!

THEN we are headed to brandy's house to meet up with andy & zach! we're gonna have a twilight party! manhood points are falling away as we speak... not like a & z didn't lose enough in gulf shores... i feel some hoedown throwdown in our future tonight as well ;)

that's about it... not too much left to say (=

still smilin =D

"into your heart i'll beat again sweet like candy to my soul sweet you rock and sweet you roll lost for you i'm so lost for you"

risk it all, cause i'll catch you when you fall.

another rainy day here in the boro. what's new?

ok, ok i can't complain cause yesterday was freakin AMAZING! i even got a farmer's burn on my right arm. i need to even that out but that won't happen today!

yesterday was such a good day! i woke up three minutes before my class started because my alarm didn't go off. i think i should invest in a new alarm... but it's okay (=

i went to have lunch with lexxie (where i got my one armed farmer's burn) and we had a blast! i missed her so much! but not too much longer and i'll be living with her!
then i went to the smyrna starbucks to meet ashley! i worked with her at the tanning bed & she's a k teacher. i had an "interview" with her for the teacher ed program at mtsu. that was my last interview so i can now turn in my application and will hopefully be accepted in the fall!

after starbucks, i went home and tried to study but ended up skyping instead (= then when i attempted to study again, i failed. i felt productive, but will never be productive enough to study poetry. so i made out my schedule for next semester! only three semesters left till student teaching! i cannot wait!

then brandy & katie came over & we went hot tubbing with the boys! sarah came too & it was so much fun! except for andy throwing me in the pool... twice. it was FREEZING! but it was a really fun night with the bc, minus a couple.

so today i woke up to rain. but i'm proud of myself for getting a lack of sleep and waking up early enough to shower, eat breakfast, AND get starbucks. i went to my math class and the lesson wasn't bad at all! caught up with court court & then took the poetry test that i didn't study for! i think i did pretty well though! now i'm wasting away time in the computer lab until my history class! hopefully that class will go by quickly today...

anyways, i have to go to the wonderful world of sonic tonight.. hoo-friggin-ray. but i need the money so HOORAY! we'll make it fun tonight! i get off at 8 so i'll prob bring back some treats for my bc.

well. i guess that's about it.

i'm always smiling lately, no matter what has been thrown at me. and i like it (=

p.s. i miss gulf shores.

"circle me and the needle moves gracefully, back and forth, if my heart was a compass you'd be north, risk it all cause i'll catch you when you fall, wherever you go. if my heart was a house you'd be home"

matthew 7:1-5

today has been such a good day!

the run down:

class

lunch at bluecoast burrito with my best friend (=

back to la's house to watch a few youtube videos & laugh our butts off

ordered tickets to OWL CITY on april 19!!!!!!!

back to my apt to study study study.

ok my highlight of my day so far has been my best friend time (=

i am very excited about tonight though! i'm going to dinner with mr. andy & mr. zach! it'll be SO much fun but we are very sad that lauren can't make it... but cookie monster.. i mean who cannot think of a cookie monster and not smile!?

my week is going by pretty well! i had an awesome weekend too! i went to emilee & kevin's wedding on friday & it was phenomenal! i also got to see some old friends so it was a lot of fun!

then saturday i worked & made BANK from 8-5. i talked to my ex's mom for a bit too, which was a little strange, but it was really nice catching up with her. then i went out with my friends that night & had an absolute blast!

sunday was a pretty relaxed & chill day! i had to work at night, but i made better money than i thought & had three friends come visit, which always makes the shift so much better!

i really can't think about too much more that i can say, i guess i'll just leave with this:

my life is amazing.

i am so so so happy where i am.

God has definitely blessed me with an awesome life.

i can't wait to be a teacher.

and kansas got knocked out, so i've already beat my dad in the bet...well as long as kentucky continues to do well (shout out to sowards: i knew you'd love me for my basketball bracket, cause i put ky as the champs & i'd be disappointed if you hadn't done the same!)

i fully believe in this verse below & i feel that it could definitely be taken to heart by many, many people nowadays...

Matthew 7:1-5

"do not judge, or you too will be judged. for in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye, and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? how can you say to your brother, 'let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? you hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."